normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
