too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
