I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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