I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Randomize
