I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize