so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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