Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
