Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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