Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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