Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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