Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
