my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
