you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Randomize
