he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
