The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
