Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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