I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
