Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
