I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Randomize