I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize