I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
