I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
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