Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Sext me about skeletons
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
