I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
