Moan for me like Helen Keller
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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