i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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