you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
