I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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