i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
