Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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