Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
