hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I need to align my fucking chakras
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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