hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
