Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Randomize
