I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
