My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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