if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
