i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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