Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
