before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
