it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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