the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
