Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
