The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
