remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
