allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
