why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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