Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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