Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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