I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
