i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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