Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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