I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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