Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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