see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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