So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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