don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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