we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
